Today I expounded on my theories as to how the current UEFA European Football Championship functions. As with ”Game of Thrones” and the songs of My Bloody Valentine, I have no desire to be disabused of my concept of the game, which goes THUSLY:
You have your teams: Switzerland FC, Spain Athletic, Germany Wednesday, and so on. They play a number of games until we are through to what a conventional championship might call the “semi-final”, where say, 11 teams remain. Through the medium of STATISTICS and the things I have pretended to learn from admiring Zonal Marking’s fancy diagrams, the best player from each team is chosen.
No-one wins.
Instead, the ultimate team is generated: EUROPA FC. Mark E. Smith writes their anthem. (“Europa-ah… Rhymes with Mitteleuropa-ah… No-one there speaks Maricopa-ah…”) They must all learn Esperanto to promote their interests of their new unified footer nation.
Someone let me on the Guardian footer podcast.
